Letting Myself In


Since Justin and I broke up, I've started to acknowledge feelings I had beforehand that I ignored because they would jeopardize our relationship.  But the problem is, they were essentially relationship deal breakers.  One in particular should have been a red flag a while ago, if I had let myself into how I was really feeling.

I don't want kids.  I don't have that maternal need.  I see babies on the train being adorable, but they don't incapacitate me with their cuteness.  They're just another form of entertainment like a mariachi band.  This doesn't mean I dislike kids.  Actually I love playing with children and watching them learn.  It's amazing to see their eyes light up when they realize a tiny aspect of how the world works.  But I don't feel the need to have one of my own.  I'll be perfectly happy playing the role of "Aunt Madysen" for all of my friends, I just know that when I imagine my future, it is completely devoid of any tiny humans in my house.

Now, I know what everyone says to this.  Things will be different in ten years.  Things will be different when you meet the right person and settle down.  Things will be different when your friends start to have kids.  You're only 20, you can't make this decision now.

I can't predict the future.  I don't know what I'll want later in life.  I do know that when I thought I had found the right guy, I still didn't want kids.  I have panic attacks when I think about pregnancy and childbirth, and I get bored of kids after just a few hours.  I'll put it out there now that I'll babysit for any of my friends at any point in time, happily.  Spending time with children is so fun and I love watching them learn and grow.  But it's not something I want for myself all.

I'm glad I let myself in and realized this.  Because I'm so much happier knowing that I will not be forced to have kids because I wouldn't acknowledge my own feelings.  I can finally acknowledge what I do want to do instead of trying to fit my life into society's mold.

Even if I do eventually change my mind, which I very well may, at least I'll know that it was my decision and that it came from the heart.  Because really, a child should not be brought into this world any other way.

2 comments:

  1. Madysen, your blog is always interesting to read and you should write more <3

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Meet The Author

I'm Madysen, born and raised in Nebraska but now living out my dreams in New York City. I moved here to go to Columbia, but living in New York has become so much more to me. This blog is a space where I can share my experiences of reconciling my midwestern upbringing with the life I live in the city. But even bigger than that, this blog serves as a space where I can try to understand where I fit into the larger social world, where I want to go in life, and how I want to go about pursuing all of these endeavors.

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