Quickly, Quickly

Between staying up late to see the absolutely hilarious Dave Chappelle and going to see The California Honeydrops concert tonight, I haven't had a moment to spare my brain power in order to write something supremely interesting today.  But I did manage to gather up enough brain cells to read an article from The Atlantic.

The article taught me the secret to predicting the breakup of a couple.

"Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.

The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that. 

People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t—those who turned away—would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading."

Even though I've had a small number of romantic relationships, I can still clearly look back and see what worked and what didn't, based on this article.

I'm not an expert by any means, but what I've learned thus far is exactly what Gottman is saying:  lack of respect really does tear a couple apart.  Sure, one person can have better taste in movies and the other has better taste in literature, but the moment that you feel superior to your partner, contempt for any aspect about them...your relationship is doomed.

And that's not something you can necessarily control.

You can find the rest of the article here!