So Long, Farewell

Moving is hard, guys.

I'm officially headed out of Washington Heights and back to campus for another year of excitement.  I thought I would be happy to leave, happy to be rid of the roaches and happy to have a bit shorter of a commute.  I was looking forward to living with people I know once again and be able to fully settle down and completely unpack until May.

But as I sit here in my bed, watching this beautiful sunset for the last time from this room...I don't know.  

This was the first real apartment I've had, be it in New York or anywhere.  It was the first time I had to deal with bugs, buy my own toilet paper, handle roommates who didn't speak the same language as me, and decide what I really want to do in life.  

It was the first time I worked in a jewelry company, the first time I felt like I was in some secret Russian Jewelry ring of sorts, and the first time that I felt loved by a family that was decidedly unlike my one.  

This summer was the first time I narrowed down my career goals, and expanded what I want to do in my free time.  

I finally admitted what a book nerd I was, and decided that I really do want to try to do something with this writing business.  

I learned some basic coding and have embarked on the very beginnings of redesigning and coding my own blog.  That's never been something I thought I was capable of before.  

I finally decided to make a lot of life changes I had wanted to make for a very long time.  I've barely eaten any sugar in the last two weeks and I feel great.  I'm trying to bite off my cuticles less, and take better care of myself by actually going to doctors.  

I gained a whole new wardrobe.  

I realized that, despite the trauma I've gone through in life, I don't have to go through uncontrollable periods of sadness.  I can work towards a greater overall happiness, and the struggle to get there will be worth it.  

For the first time, I learned that there are people out there who support my journey and don't mind tearful breakdowns too many times in a row.  And more importantly I'm learning that I'm allowed to ask for help.  I'm still working on taking the help, though.  

I don't feel like the same girl who wrote this list at the beginning of summer.  I feel like I'm truly in the process of shedding the old skin and the new Madysen is coming out of her shell.  It's a great feeling.  

I think that's why I'm scared to leave this apartment.  I'm scared to go back to a place where the old shell is all that anyone sees.  I dread having to tell everyone that I'm not the same person as before– not even slightly.  I'm afraid that people's expectations will drag me back down to who I was rather than uplift me to who I'm in the process of becoming.  

But hey, this summer has been about overcoming my fears, whether in going to writing groups or learning to stop oversharing, in spending more time than usual alone, or just wearing less makeup.  So what's one more move?  One more big leap into just another test.  I won't let myself backtrack, so the only option is to move on forward, whether people like it or not.  

Because I love where I'm going and who I'm becoming.  And that sentence gets more genuine every time I say it.  

So here's to my last night in Washington Heights.  Here's to my final sunset in this room. 

And here's to living in Brooklyn next.  


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Meet The Author

I'm Madysen, born and raised in Nebraska but now living out my dreams in New York City. I moved here to go to Columbia, but living in New York has become so much more to me. This blog is a space where I can share my experiences of reconciling my midwestern upbringing with the life I live in the city. But even bigger than that, this blog serves as a space where I can try to understand where I fit into the larger social world, where I want to go in life, and how I want to go about pursuing all of these endeavors.

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