The Most Difficult Task

ah, it's been a while since the diary-like posts have crept up...

There's nothing harder in this life than realizing how special and amazing you are.  I swear it's the most elusive thing in this world.  You're constantly comparing yourself to everyone else around you.  They seem to have lives that are VASTLY greater than your own.  It seems like you can barely reach their level; like you should just be left in the dust, it's better for everyone.

But that is only because to you, your life is the standard against which everything else gets compared.  There's nothing special about your own experiences, because that's just life.  It's what you feel you must do in order to survive.

I often don't feel like I've accomplished anything worthwhile in my life.  Hell, I often feel like I'm straight up not good enough for anything that's come my way.  I attribute my presence at Columbia, my internships, and my relationships to pure luck alone.  And they could be taken that way.  Being from Nebraska helped my chances at Columbia, I got lucky and applied to an internship on a whim that lead me too all the rest, and I met this guy on Tinder randomly and it's just gone from there.

But those interpretations can only happen because I don't realize my own strengths in life.  Now, I'm not writing this to flaunt myself, but because I literally am trying– at this very moment– to convince myself that the luck theory is not the truth.

I got to be here at Columbia because I worked hard all through life– in school, in both taking and teaching dance classes, in helping other starting from a very young age helping my mom with tasks most kids would pitch fits about, and in self reflection.

Maybe seeing myself as sub-standard was useful in pushing me to always try harder and be innovative in the path I took.  But it shouldn't be feelings of inferiority that push me on; rather I should try harder because I know I can do more.

My freshman year internship didn't just fall into my lap.  I actively searched internships, spent hours on the cover letter, and clearly made an impression at the interview.  No matter what, landing one internship will never lead to further work unless you work hard and prove yourself worthy of being recommended.  I put in effort into every task, enjoyed learning new things, and putting myself in situations that terrified the shy Madysen who, once in a while, rears her head.  It was anything but luck that I landed work with Abraham.In.Motion, and everything I've done since has been a total product of my hard work, determination, and love.

If working hard and pushing yourself is your natural tendency, you're definitely leading a kickass life.
Now, being matched on Tinder with E did have a tiny bit of luck involved.  I mean, we had to cross each others paths, and that was all the work of the app.  But I put a lot of work into my profile (y'know, pictures of squirrel skeletons and me making ridiculous faces) that certainly paid off.  I haven't asked him necessarily what made him swipe right, but knowing him it was definitely the personality that I made shine through.

And after the initial match, well that was all me. Because awesome people pull in other awesome people like supermagnets.  For every moment I feel like I don't deserve such an awesome man, I need to repeat that sentence to myself three times.

Your life is always going to be your life.  It's always going to be your sense of normal.  But no one has an average life.  There are always hardships that will spring up, some more difficult than others.  But how you deal with them shows how amazing you are.

In the years since my mom died, I haven't turned to sex, drugs, and alcohol to self-medicate my problems away.  I dance, go to therapy, invest in meaningful relationships, write, and try to work through it all.  I embrace the obstacles, but continue to push past them.  Because that's just the type of person that I am.


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Meet The Author

I'm Madysen, born and raised in Nebraska but now living out my dreams in New York City. I moved here to go to Columbia, but living in New York has become so much more to me. This blog is a space where I can share my experiences of reconciling my midwestern upbringing with the life I live in the city. But even bigger than that, this blog serves as a space where I can try to understand where I fit into the larger social world, where I want to go in life, and how I want to go about pursuing all of these endeavors.

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