Remembering Your Age


I often forget that I'm only 21.

I've spent my whole like being referred to as "very mature" and "responsible for my age."

I moved to New York on my own, spent the summer navigating apartment living on my own, took care of myself during some health scares, and even learned to not be so afraid of making a phone call.
Yes, I'm mature.  Yes I'm far ahead in some ways than many other people my age.

But I also have absolutely no idea what I'm doing in this world.  I don't think through the ramification of my actions, I don't anticipate how my words will be interpreted by other people, and I don't know how to handle most interactions in life with ease.

Sometimes I feel like a ticking time bomb, and I have no control over what comes out of me.

It's frustrating, really.  To be told that I'm doing everything right and living beyond my years and still have these moments that I can't control.  Some days I wish that I really had the life experience to back up my feeling like a 30 year old.  I hate that I let my age and emotions get the better of me so often. I hate that I can't repress it and just be purely logical in every scenario.

But then again, I should embrace it.  Life is full of mistakes.  The cool ease with which I want to act comes only after experiencing the ramifications of rash reactions.  I can't do everything perfectly right away.  I need to learn from my mistakes and I need to make the mistakes in order to learn.  I should not resent myself for acting like a child and making a misstep--I should embrace the fact that it happened, in order to learn from it.  If I think of something as uncharacteristic and don't take full responsibility and embrace that those were the emotions and that was my genuine reaction at the time...how can I expect to just learn?

I'm still a kid.  I don't have the world figured out, and what's wrong with that?  If I had everything figured out there would be no need for this blog.  If I had everything figured out then relationships would be much less fulfilling.

If I had everything figured out then there would be no purpose in living.  What is life but a challenge in understanding, empathy, and love?  What is the purpose of living if it is not to gain insight into the humans you love and that surround you and learn to treat everyone with care?

Regardless of my age, I'm always going to be on this path to try and be better.  That's what I love about dance--you can always improve.  There's no such thing as perfect.  And I guess that is how life is too.  I just tend to often forget that.

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Meet The Author

I'm Madysen, born and raised in Nebraska but now living out my dreams in New York City. I moved here to go to Columbia, but living in New York has become so much more to me. This blog is a space where I can share my experiences of reconciling my midwestern upbringing with the life I live in the city. But even bigger than that, this blog serves as a space where I can try to understand where I fit into the larger social world, where I want to go in life, and how I want to go about pursuing all of these endeavors.

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