Thoughts While Reading Others' Memoirs

My whole life I've contemplated writing a memoir.  I had a unique childhood and growing up experience, one that most people couldn't really understand.  Therapy has been teaching me a lot that I wasn't as "normal" as I once thought I was.  But instead of making me feel more alone and confused, it's finally making me feel more self-sufficient and inspired.

Reading about others' lives makes me eternally grateful for my own.  My own childhood of make believe, literature beyond my years, time to think, and a brain to full.

That's what I talk a lot about in therapy.  A brain full to the brim.  Uncontrollable and undeniable.

I like my life.  I like my history.  I like my childhood memories and intellectual endeavors.  I like, in some ways but hate in others, the way I've always seen myself as a lone island in this world.  It's allowed me to change that fact but still be myself.

I love myself.  I love my love of reading and learning and writing.  I love my penchant to thought.  I love my need to write out little snippets of thoughts like this one.  I love that I think it's a worthwhile exercise to put words on a page.

I love that I now have someone to share these thoughts with who seems to love these parts of myself just as much as I do.  Encouraging me to embrace them further.

I love that I don't have embarrassing stories of platonic sleeping with too many guys (like Lena Dunham has).  I love that I'm guarded about who I let into my life.  I love that I'm learning to let more people in.

I love that I'm learning that there are a lot of "my people" out there.  I love that I'm finally finding them.

I'm in love with the words and thoughts and feelings that come out of my head.  Even if it's a delayed, looking back sort of love.

I love my anxiety.  I hate that it exists but I love that it's something I'm finally noticing, anticipating, and overcoming.  I love that I can be better.  And I love that I am getting stronger and more well rounded every day.  I love that I can see an improvement in myself and I love that I can see a purpose in all my words and thoughts and feelings for the future.

As much as I love future me and past me, I love present me more.  I love the journey.  I don't care about getting to that perfect form of self.  I love that I'm in the trenches, working things out.  That's what I loved about dance– you're never perfect or horrible.  You're always in the process of getting better and the idea that you can do more is the most inspiring.

I'm grateful for everything that has shaped me and I'm grateful for myself in being open to that shaping.

I don't know if I'll ever explicitly write that memoir.  I don't know if my exact experiences need to be shared.  But I'm glad to know that I can share these thoughts with no one, someone, anyone who reads this.  But more importantly I'm glad I can voice them to myself.


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Meet The Author

I'm Madysen, born and raised in Nebraska but now living out my dreams in New York City. I moved here to go to Columbia, but living in New York has become so much more to me. This blog is a space where I can share my experiences of reconciling my midwestern upbringing with the life I live in the city. But even bigger than that, this blog serves as a space where I can try to understand where I fit into the larger social world, where I want to go in life, and how I want to go about pursuing all of these endeavors.

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